He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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