Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
