My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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