I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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