You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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