I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
