Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
