Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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