weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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