I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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