theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
false alarm, still single
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
