I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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