I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
