I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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