When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
