im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
