dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I could make wine with my vomit
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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