if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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