can we get nightvision for the apartment?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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