i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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