Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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