so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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