Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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