Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
