You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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