Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
