Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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