Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
