I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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