my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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