Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
