Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
