I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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