Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
