Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
All the doctor said was why
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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