I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize