I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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