You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
