i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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