Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
