You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
