no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
