why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
