can u get pink eye on your cock?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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