I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My cat gives me a boner
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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