I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I wish there were birth control emojis
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize