I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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