sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
