She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I think people are normalizing furries
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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