member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize