i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
