I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
