No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
There's even glitter on my cock...
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