No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize