i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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