the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
