Dude my mom stole all your condoms
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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