people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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